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The One Thing That Parents Do That Wound Their Children For Life.

I would like to start off by saying that I am not a parent. Never have been and I am not aspiring to be one in the near future. However, I am very blessed to be friends and know close people in my life who happen to be parents. Some profound insights come from some of these parents as I speak to them.

What I would like to address in this blog article is parental differential treatment or rather PDT. Let me give examples. Let’s say little mary’s mother is a Christian. Little Mary decided after facing some unfair circumstances in life does not want to have anything to do with the church. In fact, Mary has now chosen to become an atheist.  Mary’s mother now being disappointed, now the mother starts treating Mary differently. The mother takes away her love and affection for Mary because Mary let her down by not going to church. Then Mary’s mother starts pouring all her attention and affection on Mary’s sister Anna who still goes to church. Even buys Anna new clothes after they come from church. Anna is getting treated much differently from Mary who is now an atheist.

 Let me use an example that myself and many other people can relate with. If you happen to mostly be an indian or An African child, to some extent white children as well, and your parents want you to study medicine, pharmacy, law, engineering, architecture etc. You find that some children actually don’t want to study what their parents were pushing them to study, instead, the decide to go and study something else, for example, a Bachelor of Arts in English Lit.  The parents not being too pleased decide to push their other children to study what they want them to study “The Courses”. Since this child, namely child “A” refused to study what the parents wanted, and child “B” is studying what the parents expected and wanted of child A, the parents start doting on child B. The parents buy child B a car since child B is studying to become the engineer in the family. The parents even take child “B” to the highest and best university in the world to study engineering. The parents don’t want child B to be stressed out when going to buy some groceries to study. They want to ensure the “engineer in the family” to have an easier life. Meanwhile child A since he or she studied BA no one praises them or even acknowledges the fact that he or she did well or obtained a degree.

 How about if you are a child who keeps failing at school, while your sibling gets A, or what is you are busy playing flutes in your free time instead of working at your parent’s shop when you are free? Notice your sibling who does the “right” things get awarded with love, affection, and gifts while you who is supposedly not winning in life gets ignored or does not receive parental affection as if your life achievements are nothing.

 Have you or any person you know in life who has gone through this? This kind of reaction from parents if you happen to be in child “B” shoes is called differential treatment. A lot of parents ave no idea how dangerous this kind of action is. Many I am sure are very unaware that they are practicing differential treatment at home.

 Some of the long-term consequences of parental differential treatment on children are:

  • Broken relationships with people outside the house, 

  • long term mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, low self esteem even as they grow up to be adults,

  • It can also cause children to feel unworthy, unwanted, unloved and unattractive.

  • It also causes children to feel incompetent

  • This impacts on the relationships that siblings have with each other as well. Some studies came out showing that siblings who compare themselves more to siblings have a higher chance of developing sibling rivalry. This can also cause siblings to have more negativity and jealousy between siblings.

  • Parental differential treatment can also increase delinquent behaviour in children. 

  • It was also found that parents who tend to be more controlling tend to engage in PDT than parents who treated their children with care and warmth. Parents who are controlling end up creating an atmosphere that leads to conflict, rivalry and protective behaviours between siblings. Parental behaviour that is also harsh, controlling and lacks care or affection makes children to become emotionally distant.

  • In addition, parental behavior that is harsh, controlling and exhibits a lack of concern or affection, has been found to be associated with emotionally distant and conflicted sibling relationships.

 PDT is very damaging to children long term. Sometimes parents or an older adult figure does it unconsciously and do not realize its effects. Sometimes you will find that some parents themselves went through PDT themselves.

 How did I become aware of this? A parent I know of was telling the other parent of how they treated their child differently because they did not do what they required. It is a very toxic behaviour. I became interested in this because of personal experience. PDT continues to affect a child even into adulthood.

 Watch this video on youtube HERE for further clarity. You can also read this research HERE done about PDT.

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Am I beautiful enough?

WEEKLY FRIDAY DEVOTION

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Do you ever look at beautiful women around you, Hollywood or Bollywood stars and think to yourself “If only I could be that beautiful”, “If only I could have such beautiful hair”…if only…if. So many women desire to be beautiful in this world. Do you ever think about beautifying your heart, your behaviour, and your character?

God’s word says, ‘beauty disappears’. If your beautiful face or skin got burnt by fire, would you still have a beautiful character to live by? As a woman of God, your true beauty (inward beauty) comes from living and worshiping God. That is the ultimate beauty that still stands after your outward beauty fades. Can you honestly say you are a woman who has a high regard for and worships God?

Charm is deceptive and beauty disappears, but a woman who honours the LORD should be praised. – Proverbs 31:30 (GNB)

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SET FREE WOMEN’S CONFERENCE 2017

Last week on Saturday I went for a women’s conference at the River of Life church in Grahamstown. The theme of the conference was “Set Free”. The main guest speaker was Karen Hayward.

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The women’s conference was for two days. It started on Friday at 18:00 pm and ended at 21:00 pm. Then on Saturday from 08:30 am and it ended at 13:00 pm. I enjoyed the conferences like all women’s conferences that I have been to. Karen spoke about forgiveness and its link to the blessings of GOD. She said that forgiveness is a 3 – way thing. We forgive the other person, we receive forgiveness from God and we forgive ourselves. She gave us the various definitions of forgiveness, gave us the bible verses that speak about forgiveness.

The part about the message that ministered to my spirit was the part where she spoke about worshipping God. Karen said that worship is a lifestyle. It starts at home and it flows outside. She said worship is how we treat other people, worship is reading our bibles, worship is loving others. She mentioned that in the Kingdom of God, there is sowing and reaping. That is how it always works. Karen told us that God forgave us, therefore God does not want us to keep a check or record balance of other people’s shortcomings. She mentioned that we should not let our emotions control us, nor should we make decisions based on our feelings.

Karen went on to talk about the impact of unforgiveness in our relationship with God and others. That unforgiveness corrupts, it imprisons people. Unforgiveness can also lead to bitterness, bitterness to cancer. Karen said that God will perjure those who hold unforgiveness. At the ending of each session on Friday and Saturday, Karen prayed for the ladies who had an area in their lives that they needed to be set free.

After the message, we had some supper.
Here is the programme with my name and a friend’s name on it, with our pretty glasses. 20170915_205225

On Saturday morning Karen gave us keys to receiving an abundant harvest. She gave us points such as: Acknowledge my sin, confess my sin, role play, surrender my life, watch our words. After the talk, Karen gave us her testimony. She spoke about growing up in abuse, cutting herself, being locked in mental institutions constantly. She also told us about her son’s accident. It was a very touching testimony. But we were all encouraged by her testimony.

Afterwards, we had some tea and coffee.  Each of the ladies was given an African headwrap and a necklace. Here is my head wrap and necklace. The necklace was inside the knotted headwrap. 🙂

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Headwarp tied in a knot with some tasty goodies.

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Necklace

Me after one of the ladies tied my headscarf in a Nigerian headwarp style.
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 One of my conference’s pictures. A conference photo I took with some amazing ladies I met.
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 God bless xoxo.
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Stop Discouraging and Shaming Single Christian Women Who Want Husbands

First of all, let me start by saying. I want to BE MARRIED. Not just married. But married to a GOD – FEARING MAN.

Chances are if you are like me a single 20 something Christian who had done all the right things on paper, no children out of wedlock has finished college and is a single Christian chances are that you have heard some of the things I will mention in this post. What I have noticed in some churches I have attended services, there tends to be favouritism among Christians. What I mean is the church tends to favour married couples or men and women who are in a relationship. Some Christian singles (whether unmarried, divorced or widowed) often feel ignored in some of our Christian Circles. What makes it worse for me is not the fact that singles tend to be cast aside, what rubs me off the wrong way is some of the things church members tend to tell single Christian women who want husbands.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with a godly woman wanting a husband. It is a natural desire that God placed in our hearts.  I read a post online one or two years ago where single Christian women were being shamed for expressing a desire to be married. As a result of this nowadays you find Christian women who hide the fact that they want to get married from the church so as not to seem desperate. Sister, it is not a shameful thing that you want a husband. It is something that should be celebrated. What is wrong is when single women start chasing after ungodly men, which is in itself shameful. Your desire to marry a Godly Man is not something that should be hidden or something that is shameful.

Some of the comments I have heard:

  • “Be content in Jesus and he will bring you a spouse.” – Truth is I have met some very lovely women who love Jesus with all their heart, and they are prayer warriors but have no husbands. Yet they are praying and believing God for a husband. I just have a problem with this statement generally. To me, it spells out if you have any other desire (including a desire for a husband) you are evil and doing things the wrong way. So for how long will, I keep being content in Jesus? What if a spouse never arrives?
  • “I know someone who got married at 40. It is never too late to marry at a later age.” – I am happy for them that they got married at the tender age of 40. Honestly, I don’t want to marry when I am 40.
  • “Being Single is a gift.” – Please NEVER EVER repeat this to a single Christian man or a woman. If it is a gift, take it. I would like the gift of marriage, please.
  • “Being married isn’t all that.” – I have noticed that this statement tends to come from married Christian Women. It is a very off-putting comment. How are you going to discourage me by telling me marriage isn’t all that when you have someone to share your bed every night with you?
  • “Your husband is out there”
  • “Just stop thinking about it, then it will happen”
  • “You’re too picky. You should probably lower your standards.”
  • “Wena you will only marry a pastor.” “No man will be able to meet those standards.”
  • “You should hurry up and get married before your face gets old.”
  • “When are you getting married? You are growing old.”
  • “You should be married by 25 or 26.”
  • “Jesus is all you need.”

Thinking about singlehood is not something I as a Christian single can put off and on. It is there in our faces daily. When we go to church, restaurants, and home or watch television we are reminded that we are single. Next time if you are a married Christian be sympathetic with a single Christian who wants a spouse or is looking for a spouse. I personally don’t want to get married at 40. I love Jesus but coupled with the desire to live for God is my desire to get married. I am not going to let fellow Christians shame me into wanting a Godly Man. That is why I love Christian author Bethany Scanlon. She addressed some of these unbiblical scriptural truths she heard when she was a single Christian, “wait for your spouse”, “I should be single and satisfied”, and “it will happen when I least expect it.”

Bethany said “ever noticed that these Christian authors giving advice on singlehood are not married. If I was an unmarried single I would take advice from a Christian who was single and then married.”(Paraphrase). She said it is time Christian singles step out of our Christian boxes of praying and actively participate with God bringing our mate. I read this for the first time and it brought Instant Joy to me. No more “just stop thinking about it and it will happen”. One of the couples Patrick and Kirsten who God used Bethany to bring them together. Watch their testimony here and read their testimony here. If Kirsten still believed in one of those unbiblical truths, she and Patrick would never have met.

So single Christians while you enjoy being single, praying for your Godly husband, working on your self – improvement, I pray that God will bring the right man along with your path. Know that It is not shameful or neither should it be a secret that you WANT to get married to a Godly man.

If you wish to follow Bethany and Lucas Scanlon’s ministry for singles. Below is the link to her blog.  I would encourage christian single’s to purchase her books ( Where’s My Mate?Want to Find your Mate? Bible StudyPreparing for a Mate: A Single’s Forty Day Devotional ). Also as a Christian single, you could ask her to pray for and with you. She is truly gifted in the single’s ministry by God to bring two God-fearing people together.

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Bethany K. Scanlon – YouTube youtube.com900 × 900

Bethany’s Blog, click here.

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A Believer Should not Date Just Anyone… #jussaying

I met a man that I was very interested in. At this point in my walk with God, I knew a lot about godly dating and the kind of person that I wanted to marry. The kind of man that God wants me to have a relationship with. I had all the single Christian books at home you can imagine praying for your future husband, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Where’s My Mate Bible Study …and the list goes on. (I have so many single books). My walk was getting to a good stage with God, I had so much inner joy and peace, I was getting blessed by God daily, my prayer life was on point. There was a lot of work that God did in me, to get to the level that I was at spiritually.

Then I met a man. The man was handsome and charming but did not believe in God. Being the good Christian girl that I was I decided to pray about it. God told me not to get involved. In fact, the Holy Spirit warned me to stay away because that man was not God-ordained for me. I decided to follow my feelings rather than listen to the Holy Spirit who knew better. I continued interacting with him. Then end result was a disaster. As all relationships which are not the will of God always end up being. Despite being proud of my strong stance of “not having sex before marriage” I had failed in all other aspects. I had made this man an idol in my life. My prayer life was disturbed and I lost the deep communion with God that I once had. I started drinking again, heavily this time. My depression rose to a very toxic level. The closeness I once had with Jesus was lost.

Who was I to blame for all that happened? Me, the guy or Jesus?

This is what happens with some Christian ladies. Some ladies know better, or ought to have known better. Sometimes we get so lonely we settle for anybody. I knew in my heart that I was not going to marry this man, I knew that he was not the man for me. Why did I decide to disobey God and get involved with him? It was because I was lonely. I did not pray or ask God to expose the man I was getting involved with because God had already shown me some red-flags about him but I didn’t care. I can say that he was to blame as well for what happened, not only me, but I should have known better. Today I thank God for what happened because I learned a lot from this experience.

Some of the lessons I learned were very important:

I took the relationship I had with Jesus lightly. I was growing spiritually. I loved the LORD, at least I can say I did my best to try and please him. I did not regard how another human beings presence and disregard for God would affect my relationship with Jesus. The peace and Joy I had in my life were ripped away. All I had was negative thoughts, grief, and sorrow after this experience. I found it extremely difficult to pray and read the bible. I found comfort in alcohol.

If a man is not a Christian and you are. It will be difficult for him to love you as”Christ loves the church”. Each and every believer has the Spirit of Jesus in them. If a man doesn’t love or value God, he will not love and value you. Also, Paul was very serious when he said, do not be unequally yoked. Disobedience to God and his word is a very bad thing. It costs us our peace and it allows the enemy to have a right to torment us. In my case, I fell into deep sadness, depression, grief, and sorrow.

We cannot fool God. He sees right through the intents of our heart. I thought to myself, come to think of it, it was a very selfish thought, I thought that I was not going to have had sex or marry the guy because I knew he wasn’t the one for me. But I wanted to hang around him. How is that even possible. God saw right through the intentions and my heart and convicted me for it. God is a fair and good God, exposed the motives and intents of his heart as well. Whatever the man thought of or plans he had, God exposed them. We are living in times where God does not want anyone to mess with HIS children.

Be very careful who you bring in your life whether male or female, saved or unsaved. It does not matter. Some people come to your life and all they bring is negativity, drama. They steal your peace of mind and joy.  This includes Christians as well. When that man left my life, all my peace of mind and the joy I had from the Holy Spirit was taken away. Even when I was still involved with him. I had no peace. This is how someone can know that this was not the will of God.

Let me share with you a verse that the Lord gave me this week when I was repenting in his presence,  And Jesus answered and said to them, “See to it that no one misleads you.

As a Child of God, you can’t just date or hang around anybody. It costs us too much.

 

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Don’t have plans for next year or this year after that

1.12.2015

My Heavenly Father out of HIS great mercy and love gave me a dream which I felt needed to be shared.

I dreamt today that JESUS came and I was not ready.

I was sitting at the pool with my friends and I had just gotten married. I saw the sky and the heavenlies acting strange. The sun was nowhere to be seen. The whole sky was moving and turning strangely. I saw the planets moving in a crazy bizzare manner and the whole sky turned purple (light purple..purple plus pink)

Then my friends and I moved to see the sky and what is happening and suddenly we saw a bright light coming from the sky and it was moving closer to us. Then suddenly in that bright light we saw Jesus coming from the sky and He was above us and He was huge… you could not miss Him.
My friends and I stood crying ”Lord’ ‘Lord”

And as He was moving in the sky He came towards us and He just looked at us. He seemed to be looking for people of substance and He looked past us beside me crying ”Lord” ”Lord”
and at that moment I knew that I was not going to Heaven with Him. I knew that I still had some sins in my life and I was not ready.

In the dream I had all I desired but I lost the one person who was supposed to matter the most JESUS (YAHUSHUA). Also in the dream my life was not fully submitted to Jesus I still held on to the world for things&future plans like marriage or future Career plans. Time is short Jesus can come anytime.

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.

Matthew 16:26 For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

Matthew 25:11-13 Afterward came also the other virgins saying Lord Lord open to us. But He answered and said Verily I say unto you I know you not. Watch therefore for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

Revelation 16:15 Behold I am coming as a thief. Blessed is he that watcheth and keepeth his garments lest he walk naked and they see his shame.

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Is there a GOD?

They told me that there was a GOD.
A GOD one can show, pray
and
give reverence to in church.

I happily went along with it.
I did not dare ask any question.

I would see the church doors every Saturday.

Fast forward twenty years later
after all the heartbreaks;
failed relationships;
and all the tears that fell,

I now have to face myself.
I began to ask ”who is this GOD”
”Is there a GOD?”
Who can rescue me from the blanket of heaviness that I am under?

I ask.